Two large flightless birds walk into a bar… The pub’s owner was not emused *ba-dum tsh*

Heads up, folks. Australia’s at it again. From the country that brought you “mortal wombat” comes news that two emus have been barred from an outback pub for “bad behaviour”.

According to local reports, “Carol” and “Kevin” had been brought up in the remote Queensland village of Yaraka – population 20 – and were quite the hit with tourists.

That is, presumably, until they started stealing their “food, drinks, car keys” and relieving themselves all over the place.

As a focal point of the settlement, Yaraka Hotel provides bed, beer and grub to those passing through, but owner Chris Gimblett was saddened to discover that a couple more permanent residents had figured out how to surmount the front steps of the establishment.

A bit like when the velociraptors in Jurassic Park solved door handles. Clever girl.

“We didn’t really want them becoming patrons in the hotel,” Gimblett told Oz news outfit ABC. “Because when they do get in here, they behave a bit badly. Their toileting [inside] is not particularly pleasant. That’s the biggest problem – because they do toilet quite frequently.”

However, it seems as though these modern dinosaurs have been stumped by one of humanity’s most primitive tools.

Rope barriers now guard the entrances with signs saying:

“They still hang around each gate, hoping that they’ll be able to slip in when someone opens it up,” Gimblett sighed. “But so far we are winning the war.”

At this point, it would be remiss of us not to remind readers that Australia is the only country to have lost a war to emus – so that makes a nice change.

Australia 1: Emus 1.

As if to hammer home the fact that the antipodes are totally unfit for human habitation, ABC wheeled out an “emu expert” to say: “People have been killed by them.”

“They’re like a chook [chicken]… they’ll eat anything a chook will eat, basically,” said Stephen Schmidt of Try It Emu Farm. “Especially in the winter months, because there’s very little protein available.

“Even a very friendly emu can get aggressive… mainly in the breeding season… I’ve had them chase me up onto the top of a truck.”

So if Carol and Kevin continue to cause trouble, the Yaraka Hotel could always add them to the menu. Now that’d be a Christmas dinner with attitude. ®

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